An appointment with heirtothearcane

[chiron_survivor]

Adia sits eagerly in the waiting room of Viatorus's office, a small notebook and pen in her hands. Surprised that the dreamwalker had agreed to meet with her so soon after Khan's invasion, she leapt at the chance anyway. The anti-violence was restored, after all, and Isidor surely wouldn't have let her brother return to the Nexus if any danger remained.

In a way, Adia, too, was restored, freed from a filthy settlement and returned to her spaceship. She is once again dressed semi-professionally, her hair clean, the mottled bruise on the left side of her face the only reminder of her close call on New Caprica. More importantly, her heart is filled with hope -- hope for her people's future, and hope for her own.

Absently doodling a tulip in the corner of her notebook, she glances up every so often at the office door in anticipation of it opening. She can't wait to talk to Viatorus about the possibility of a research lab in the Nexus, one that caters to both magic and science. Oh, and maybe she should mention Iphigenia's idea of building a shrine to their gods in the Nexus, too...

And her nightmares. She's supposed to ask about how to stop her nightmares.

Her excitement tempered by the unpleasant reminder, she scratches out the tulip while she waits. By the time Viatorus arrives, it's nothing but an angry blue blot.

Comments

[chiron_survivor]

"What's the longest you've spent dream-walking? Does it tire you out, or does it count as sleep?" She's guessing the former. Adia rarely wakes up from a bad dream feeling refreshed.

She smiles brightly at the question. "Yes, I have. Mostly just data analysis, but that's fine, I wasn't allowed to do even that for the Cylons." She doesn't know what the point was of all that data she collected on New Caprica, but she suspects it's why Four was determined not to let her escape. "I'm helping with vaccinations and medical care when I can, too." Using her free hand to reach for her juice, she asks, "How about you? How's your research coming along? Isidor said that you mentioned the idea of a research lab in the Nexus to her."

[heirtothearcane]

"Oh." Good question. He rubs the back of his head as if to help him work through his memories. "Fifteen hours, I think? Unbroken, that is. It, um, it tires me out mentally, emotionally, but not much physically. Like when you're working through problems all day long without moving from your desk."

"That sounds wonderful, even if it is just analysis. And medical care, what a good thing to work on. I'm glad you're able to help out. It's always a relief to be useful."

Just as Adia did, Viatorus glows at the mention of his area of study. He sets the cup down and bounces a little on the spot, pressing the heels of his palms into the desk behind him. "It's coming along really well! We went to a consultation a few months ago that turned into..." A breath escapes him and he shakes his head, smiling. "It was an experience. I have so many ideas! I don't remember if I told you my current focus? To physically step into the land of dreams. I feel like I'm so close."

[chiron_survivor]

Fifteen hours! That seems like a long time... although when he compares it to working all day, it doesn't sound quite so extreme. "I think I've done that a few times," she admits. "Working that long without a break. Yes, it can be exhausting."

"It made sense to learn some medical care, since I was seeing people anyway for their vaccinations," she explains. She pats her bruise one last time with the tissue, then begins looking around for a wastebasket. "But, um, there's a lot more I should learn if I really wanted to help people, especially because we have limited resources." She smiles. "But yeah, it feels good to be useful."

Once the tissue is properly disposed of, she takes another sip of juice. It's as good as the first, but it doesn't distract her from Viatorus's answer. It's wonderful to hear him so enthused about his work, she wants to give it the attention it deserves. She swallows hurriedly and sets the glass back down when he explains his current focus of research. "No, you didn't! Is that possible?" She laughs and waves a hand. "Sorry, sorry, it must be because you're trying to do it. That sounds amazing, though. How is that different from going there in your sleep?"

[heirtothearcane]

There's something so nice about being able to talk about working life with someone who shares a similar experience of it. Someone other than family, too. "It's one thing to be asleep for ten or fifteen hours, it's another to do what you do. That's a very long time to concentrate in a lab for, after all. Under all those stark lights and with so much equipment."

When she looks around, tissue in hand, Viatorus scoops up the bin beside the desk and holds it for her, setting it back once she's done. "You can never have too many healers. What sort of things would you learn? First aid?"

"It's not been proven, exactly," he admits, but that doesn't seem to dim his energy. "But there are frequent mentions of people managing it one way or another. Usually with the help of Fae, gods, or going through the underworld. To establish a proven method would be a great breakthrough. That's why I'm doing it." He has to take a break before he delves into answering her question. "It's very different. I think it would be like dreamwalking, going into a place made of all the dreams of the universe. You'd have more power and influence there than you would dreamwalking, which is like astral projection, and that could open up a whole new area of dream magic. It could offer up new ways for people to resolve emotional or mental problems in a safe environment. Or maybe it could be used to travel, o-or to communicate complex concepts that involve experience and emotional states as well as practical information..." His hands wave as he talks and then press against the desk to give a little bounce again. "It could help us talk to our gods. Who knows what we could do!"

[chiron_survivor]

"Yes, exactly. And for me especially, it's a lot of staring into microscopes or at computer screens while I work. I remember a week I was pushing myself extra hard to analyze some data on a particular strain of influenza. By the end of it I thought I was losing my vision. I went to the doctor all in a panic... turned out it was just eye strain." It's normally an embarrassing memory for her, but in the company of someone who understands, she can grin at her past self's hypochondria. "I've learned to at least give my eyes a break, since then."

She smiles at Viatorus's trashcan maneuver. "Thanks," she says, tossing the tissue in the bin. She decides to sit down on one of those comfortable chairs, close enough to her juice and notebook so she doesn't have to reach awkwardly should she want either. "Yeah, more first aid... more complicated first aid. I can wrap a sprained ankle but I can't set a bone, for example. And there's nothing worse than trying to help someone and you don't know what to do. So I'm hoping to learn more."

Listening as attentively as she is, it's impossible to miss the way the color drains from her face when he mentions the underworld, or how her gaze turns distant and cloudy. It takes a great deal of effort for her to return to the conversation, although by the time he's done talking, she seems to have shaken off whatever awful spell that word had put her under. "Some things make so much more sense in dreams," she agrees, "That's... that sounds amazing. A lot of potential." It sounds dangerous, too, but she's not going to say it. How often have people given her a hard time for working with infectious diseases? She's sure that Viatorus will be just as careful as she is, if he succeeds.

[heirtothearcane]

"That sounds terrifying," he admits in a soft breath. "The idea of losing your sight because of your dedication... I'm glad I've never had a problem like that. I only have to deal with confusing my sleep cycles, occasionally becoming more nocturnal. I never hurt myself because of my work."

"Would you do that? Learn how to set bones and- I suppose that would be like a... a nurse? Or, what are they called..." He turns to face upwards until it comes to him and he smiles at her. "Paramedic?"

The change in Adia's expression doesn't go unnoticed, though in his excitement he's not sure what he did to cause it. His thumbs flick off the edge of his desk, fidgeting. "I think so." Nerves setting in, he rubs his arm before thinking of a change of topic. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to talk your ear off. You wanted to talk about some things?"

[chiron_survivor]

"It was only scary because I over-reacted," Adia says reassuringly. "And I think becoming more nocturnal is par for the course for academics."

It's kind of funny how it takes him a while to come up with the right word, but she chalks that up to his sheltered lifestyle. "Yes, like a paramedic. Although our medical system is not nearly so organized currently. There are doctors and other medical professionals on the larger ships, but it can take a while to see one. They're all overworked. It's easiest if we know how to take care of ourselves first."

She can see his confusion, and feels bad for derailing his enthusiasm. Fingers twisting at the ends of her scarf, she's tempted to broach the subject again of a research lab in the Nexus, to pretend that she wasn't just triggered by his mention of the underworld. But then... then what if she kept reacting to anything relating to her nightmares? Who would want to enter a partnership with someone who spaced out all the time?

And he is a dreamwalker. He's nice, too. Maybe it's time for her to accept his offer to help her with her dreams.

She takes a deep breath and looks up at him. "Yes... a few different things. But, um... first. I was wondering." She tugs at her scarf a little. "Do you, um... do you have any advice on how to deal with recurring nightmares?"

[heirtothearcane]

He can't help but grin at her assessment of academics. "That's true."

"They would probably appreciate all the help they can get," he muses aloud. Offering a small smile he adds, "So must the people you treat."

"Mmhm." He can almost hear his etiquette teacher's shriek. "I-I mean yes. Yes, it's... one of the most common things I get asked about." He laughs sheepishly and then sits in the other chair on the same side as Adia. It doesn't seem right for him to be formal with her. She's been through enough and he has a feeling she could use a bit of care. "It helps if, I mean if you're willing to, you explain what happens in your dreams? It's all confidential, of course."

[chiron_survivor]

"So long as I don't get in anybody's way when I'm helping." She smiles modestly. "I'm sure they do." Microbiology will always be her true calling, but she's growing comfortable with her more hands-on role in dealing with illness and injury.

She relaxes her shoulders when he sits next to her, but she doesn't stop fidgeting with her floral-print scarf. "Um... sure. I mean, yeah, that makes sense. To tell you about it." Not that it makes it any easier for her to start. She only told him a few minutes ago that she was in the middle of a war, how is she going to explain all the awful things that happened that led her to having this specific nightmare?

She takes another deep breath. It will be okay. She can just... tell him. Let him make of it what he will. Maybe it's a good thing that she's never burdened him with her problems before now.

"So, um... I've been having nightmares since the war started. Because, obviously, it's rough, and... y'know. That's what the brain does, when bad things happen. But lately I've been having a new nightmare. And it's not like the other ones, it's-- it's the same, and it's over and over. Almost every night. Like clockwork.

"You know the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, right? In the dream, I'm Orpheus, and Eurydice is... is someone that I loved. Someone that I lost at the beginning of the war. I go into the underworld, and I play for Hades and Persephone. Persephone cries, she tells Hades to let Cas-- Caspar. His name was Caspar. To let him go. So I head for the surface, and I'm not supposed to turn around until we're both above ground. He's right behind me, but... but I'm not sure. I think maybe he's not really there, or that he's a different person, and that Hades tricked me. But I keep walking, and I finally make it to the surface, and I turn around --"

Her lower lip trembles and she looks down. "It's too soon. It's always too soon. He gets taken away from me... again. Every time."

[heirtothearcane]

For once he isn't the most nervous person in the room. In fact he's focused on Adia as he patiently waits for her to prepare herself to relive her nightmare. He smiles gently when she expresses her understanding of nightmares being the brain's reaction to bad things happening. While she tells her story he tries to look encouraging, not quite smiling but attentive.

When she finishes he spots the tell tale signs of someone on the verge of crying so with a small bit of magic he pulls over the box of tissues she'd used for the witch hazel, taking it and then offering them to her. "That's good, Adia. Not… Not what happens, or what happened to you, but the nightmare, the detail." That probably isn't helping. He rubs his chin, taking a minute to gather his thoughts. "You're right about the brain making nightmares after bad experiences. That's because your subconscious is trying to work with your conscious self. Dreams are often ways of trying to resolve things that are causing you stress. It tries to find solutions to problems or give you dream time to process events. Your brain…" A smile passes across his face. "Well, it's… very articulate. It's using the timeless method of storytelling to try and give you a message."

The tempered enthusiasm dims to something more appropriately considerate. "There is one more question… Did anything happen to cause this nightmare? Even something small, like someone talking about something that got you thinking. Or seeing a photograph, watching a film? Anything."

[chiron_survivor]

Caught up in her retelling of her nightmare, she barely notices the bit of magic he uses to get the box of tissues. She takes one with a murmured thanks and wipes away the mistiness that had been threatening to turn to tears.

Eyes dry once more, she swings her gaze up to Viatorus as he explains why a detailed nightmare would be a good thing. She's not incredulous so much as confused, and listens patiently, giving him the time he needs. She even manages a small, bashful smile when he calls her brain articulate. That's a nice, albeit strange, compliment.

His question, unfortunately, brings back her fidgeting and a troubled frown. She knows what happened to cause her new nightmare. It's as obvious as the bruise on her face. But it will require her to talk about what happened, backstory and all, and there's no box of wine or pint of ice cream to help her this time.

"It's, um... it's more complicated than that. Caspar was a sleeper agent for the enemy. He, um, he killed himself, when he found out." She crumples the tissue in her hand. "We're at war with sentient robots. They're called Cylons. They have... human forms. Lots of copies of each model. Like clones? And, um, what I didn't know at the time was that when they die, they can download into a new body..."

She pauses, looking at Viatorus briefly to make sure he's following. He has an office in the Nexus so he must be used to all kinds of weird stories, but she can't help but feel like her story is weirder than most. "U-um, right before we were rescued from New Caprica, I was brought in for questioning because my neighbor was a suspected resistance fighter. Caspar got me out of the interrogation room, he led me out of the detention center. At the time I-- I was sure it was him. But-- but I had to ask anyway. If it was him. And he--" Her eyes water again and she hurriedly wipes them. "He didn't give me an answer, just pushed me away instead. And that was the last I saw of him."

[heirtothearcane]

Viatorus sets the box on the desk within arm's reach and leans forward, eager to help her as much as he can. For now that means listening and doing his best to understand her as well as he can. The more she speaks the easier it is to read and connect to her emotions, so when she tells him that Caspar killed himself Viatorus can feel the punch to his gut. "I'm so sorry, Adia..."

But she's moving on, explaining more, adding layers to the tale. He can practically see Adia's emotions as waves crashed them against sharp rocks, granted her a hopeful breath, and then sucked her under the surface again. He wants to reach out to her, to soothe the wounded heart he feels as his own, but his hand only hovers briefly over hers before awkwardly pulling away. Making assumptions about boundaries has only brought him grief. "I'm so sorry. That... That's terrible."

He decides to give her a minute to breathe and then offers her what he finds most helpful at times like this: A distraction. Problem solving.

"Your dreams are a part of you. They're yourself trying to tell you something." He smiles at her gently. "I can suggest pills and teas, sleep schedules, even magic. I have so many things to offer, but in the end the best resolution comes with being able to come to listen to yourself." He folds his hands in his lap then. "If I was you and you wanted me, you, to know anything, what would it be?"

[chiron_survivor]

She breathes silently for a moment or two. There, that wasn't so bad. She blinks at his hand before looking up at him once more. It's like looking into a mirror, her pain reflected in his expression. She hadn't expected that. Sympathy, maybe, but not empathy. It releases something tight in her chest and she eases up on her fidgeting. Even if he's never been through what she has, he understands somehow.

It helps. A little.

A solution would help, too, and she'd probably be willing to try any of those things, but the question he poses takes her by surprise. "If... I was talking to myself, you mean? I guess I'd tell her... sorry, tell you..." She focuses her attention on him. "Um... you need to... you need to move on. Caspar... he made his decision." Her hands clench at her scarf. "It-- it doesn't matter why he pushed you away, if it was for your own good, or his... if he still loves you or not, if he was scared or not, it doesn't matter. You have to let it go. You have to let him go!"

Her voice cracks, and she turns away, reaching for another tissue. "S-sorry. Sorry." She blots her eyes. "I, um, I got a little carried away there..."

[heirtothearcane]

It's a funny thing, empathy. He would never claim to fully understand what she's been through, but he can feel what it's like nevertheless. It only makes him want to help her all the more. All things considered, he's not too surprised by the outburst. In contrast to his usually nervous demeanour he remains calm with an ever present expression of either concern or encouragement.

"It's alright. It's good. It's intense, and it's going to be. But I don't want you to hide them, Adia. It's these intense, powerful emotions that your nightmares are trying to address." He shuffles a little closer to the edge of his chair, eager for her not to focus too much on him on embarrassment. "What would I say back if I were you? After hearing what you told me. How would I react?"

[chiron_survivor]

The fact that he can feel what she's feeling without it making him nervous is very helpful. It makes him someone safe. All the same, she's glad that he gives her a little space to keep her from becoming too embarrassed. She's obviously struggling with expressing her emotions. For all the kindness she shows others, she reluctant to extend any of that grace to herself.

"I'd... I'd tell you that it's not that easy." She gestures helplessly with her hand holding the tissue, the other still curled in the ends of her scarf. "Th-that... that I can't turn off my feelings. I can't... I can't move on, not when he's still out there..." She rubs at her eyes and sighs. "And then I'd probably cry. A lot."

[heirtothearcane]

This time the silence is for him to consider these two answers. His lips purse slightly to match the faint crease in his brow, both things that get more noticeable when he looks at her again. Viatorus' voice is gentle "You feel guilty for loving him, and for having these feelings… But you're also angry at yourself for it. You know you must do one thing, but you feel drawn to do another, much like in your dream..."

His eyes glaze over and he remains still but for the slight motion of him rubbing finger and thumb together thoughtfully. "In fact…" Though he's still on the edge of his chair, he straightens and tilts his head at Adia. "Are you… angry at yourself for asking Caspar if he was Caspar?"

[chiron_survivor]

He's giving so much thought to her words, it'd be unnerving if not for the gentle way he sums up her feelings. The guilt is obvious, the anger not so much. At least, not to her. She blinks at his question, fumbling with her tissue a moment before looking up at him in surprise.

"Um... maybe? I don't know." She stops twisting at her scarf, forcing herself to think twice about what emotions she's experiencing. "I mean, it was... it was a foolish question. I knew it was him, but I didn't trust myself." She shakes her head in frustration. "But what could I have said instead? Would anything have made a difference?" As painful as her close encounter was, at least in the moments beforehand, she had hope. "So why do I keep beating myself up over it, every night?"

[heirtothearcane]

In Viatorus' experience, when people are stressed and upset it's very rare that there's only one or two emotions involved. He sees the anger, maybe even hatred, pretty clearly, even if they are tempered by Adia's good nature. Although he's well acquainted with other people's emotions. Thankfully he can focus much better talking to Adia alone, away from anyone else, and in his office he can relax into a professional role, not a personal one.

"That's a good question." He tilts his head at her and rubs his thumb along his knuckles. "Are you, um, 'beating yourself up' about it during the day?"

[chiron_survivor]

This is the first time (while sober, anyway) that she's felt comfortable enough to admit to that anger. Anger is a dangerous emotion. It leads to conflict, and mean words, and often, in her case, tears. But Viatorus is treating her emotions with respect, giving them the attention they deserve. It keeps her from worrying that she is somehow disappointing him by not being strong enough to deal with this on her own.

She almost says that she's always giving herself a hard time, but that's not entirely true. "I can distract myself during the day. With work, or friends. With, um..." She grimaces and gestures to what's beyond the office walls. "Between being rescued from New Caprica and Khan invading the Nexus, I didn't have much time to think about Caspar recently." She hates to admit benefiting in any way from other people's suffering, but helping those injured from both events definitely distracted her from her own problems.

[heirtothearcane]

It's very tempting to lift an eyebrow in an imitation of his sister whenever she hears someone talk around and answer. As someone more used to being on the other side of that look he thinks better of it, instead managing to do no more than purse his lips.

The silence is left to hang for a minute while he thinks. He straightens out a crease in his trousers and looks around for inspiration before turning his attention back to the woman across from him. "Adia, I'm not a psychologist. I don't have training to help you cope with everything you've been through, and you've been through so much. Your emotions are as complicated as your situation, and just as conflicted."

Viatorus pauses and then smiles sympathetically at her. "When I asked you what you'd say to yourself… it was like you started an argument. It almost sounded like you were trying to attack your own feelings, but also defend them." He looks her in the eye, earnest and honest. "You… You know you're allowed to… to feel all of those things. You don't need to justify them. It's not a bad thing that you feel, or that you feel so strongly."

[chiron_survivor]

The pursed lips is enough to get his point across. She drops her gaze and keeps her hands folded in her lap while she awaits a verbal criticism of her roundabout answer. When he instead qualifies his efforts, she looks up again, tempted to tell him that for someone without the proper training, he's been doing a wonderful job. There is no mental health support system in the fleet -- the professionals are all scattered, suffering from their own trauma, and it's hard to trust a priest when a few of them have been Cylon infiltrators. And who else would she ask for help from in the Nexus? Doctor Hill?

But she holds her tongue, as he is speaking again, giving her permission to feel her emotions, no matter how complicated or conflicting. It makes her quirk her lips into something of a wry smile. "Well... that figures. The one person I'm willing to argue with is myself..." She sighs and slouches a little in her seat. "You've probably already noticed this, but I really hate conflict. Is this why I'm having the nightmare? Because I want to feel these things but I won't let myself?"

[heirtothearcane]

"Because you are feeling these things, but ignoring them, yes," he corrects. "That could be a reason for it, yes. You definitely have a strong internal struggle." His fingers fidget some more in that same rubbing motion. It feels like it helps him think. "Maybe… Maybe you need to stop thinking of it in terms of 'conflict' and 'peace'."

"I'd like to show you a game," he tells her then, standing suddenly. He stops in his tracks to wave his hands and apply a bit of concentration, but once his chair has started to float out of the way and the small table begins to hover its way in front of Adia, Viatorus continues to one of the cabinets. It's from this cabinet that he fetches a box of ebony and ivory and sets it on the small table. He sits down again before opening it up to reveal pebbles filling it to the brim. They're all roughly the same size and shape, but are very clearly either black or white. "I say game, it's more like an exercise, but I didn't know the difference when this was taught to me."

With that set up, he turns to Adia again. "In my culture we value balance. There's this concept of light and dark, a little like positive and negative. Everything has a light, and a darkness. Every person or concept. It needs to have both to be what it is. This game helps to think about it. I'll show you."

"All you have to do is pick a subject and list light and dark attributes about it. But you have to make sure you have a balanced list." He watches Adia to make sure she's following and then continues. "For example, if I were to pick... the Nexus." He picks a light pebble, sets it on the table and smiles at Adia. "I meet lots of new people here." Then he picks up a dark one and places it next to the white. "But some of them can be dangerous." A light pebble. "I make lots of new friends here." A dark pebble. "Sometimes we have to part ways."

Viatorus clasps his hands together and smiles gently at Adia again. "It seems simple. But it's a lot harder when you're talking about yourself. Or a situation you're in." As if as an afterthought he jumps to hold a palm out to the box. "You should try it."

[chiron_survivor]

Describing her conflicting emotions as a "strong internal struggle" makes it sound better than it actually is, but at least it's getting closer to the root of her problem. But before she can dwell on that, there is a chair and a table moving around by magic, and although she has gotten used to the sight of such things, having it happen in front of her unexpectedly makes her jump in her seat. Her surprise is short-lived, however, and she follows the pebbles with her eyes as Viatorus explains the rules of the game to her.

She could say the very same things about the Nexus, which is probably why Viatorus chose it as an example. She gives him a small nod of understanding, but makes no move to pick up a pebble yet. "I... um, I'll try it for the situation I'm in, if that's okay?"

Taking a deep breath, she picks up a white pebble and delicately sets it on the table. "I got to see Caspar again. Alive." She reaches for a black pebble and places it next to the white one. "I didn't tell him what I really wanted to say." She grabs another black pebble and puts it down on the table. "He pushed me away."

Her hand automatically reaches for another black pebble until she remembers the point of the exercise. Balance. Light and dark. There must be something else that's light...

She carefully selects a white pebble and places it next to the black ones. "He stopped Three from interrogating me. He... he probably saved my life."

[heirtothearcane]

Describing something in a way that makes it sound worse than it actually is in not in Viatorus' nature, nor is it in his upbringing. Adia's troubles are as vast and deep as the ocean, making it seem bigger would hardly be helpful let alone fair.

"Of course," he says with several rapid little nods. Really it's encouraging that she's trying it instead of telling him he's being condescending.

He watches, trying to keep his expressions respectful while acknowledging each of her pebble points. The hesitation and then the careful choice of the second white pebble gets a large, encouraging smile. He saw that, and he's exceptionally glad she stopped to think of another good point. "That's very good Adia. Someone saving your life isn't something to be forgotten." He shuffles forward eagerly. "Can you think of another light point?"

[chiron_survivor]

A "strong internal struggle" sounds like some sort of heroic quest to Adia, a trial worthy of a Jason or Hercules, not someone small and unassuming like her. But she trusts that this thought exercise, this "game", will somehow help her get closer to understanding herself. She certainly doesn't think Viatorus condescending for suggesting it; he may have not experienced the horrors of war, but he provides a refreshing outside perspective. She'll have to ask him later to explain more about the significance of light and dark in his culture.

"It took me a while to believe it," she tells him, wondering belatedly if that deserves a black pebble. "Harrowheart actually suggested it first, but... well, another Cylon more or less confirmed it for me, so. You're right, it isn't something to be forgotten."

She smiles a little at the praise and encouragement, but when Viatorus suggests another light point, she shifts uncomfortably in her seat and re-examines the pebbles on the table as if she were playing a chess match instead. It took a lot of work to think of the two light points that she did, what more could she possibly glean from her disastrous encounter with Caspar?

"Maybe..." She hesitantly picks out a white pebble. "If... if I hadn't seen him again, I'd still be struggling with my emotions, but... but I wouldn't have asked you for help." With more certainty, she puts down the pebble. "Who knows how much longer I would have gone without help? So I guess that's a good thing..."