Hiding in plain view. ((open to anyone!))

[chiron_survivor]

She didn't flee to the Nexus immediately. At first, she was just in shock. The cylons were back, except this time, they were running the government. A "coalition" government, but everyone knew what that really meant.

It didn't make sense to her. They hated humans. Why not just destroy them and be done with it?

Her boyfriend assumed it was some sort of elaborate revenge plot, or a way to salvage the aspects of humanity the cylons considered worth keeping. He wanted her to agree with him, to be red-hot about it, too, but Adia was too distracted. She kept seeing Caspar's face -- the one she thought she knew -- and comparing it with the ones she kept seeing, wherever she went.

She could tell it was bothering him, that her attention was elsewhere.

Later, in the middle of the night when she knew she wouldn't be missed by any humans, and prayed she wouldn't be missed by any cylons, she PINpointed to the Nexus.

She sat at a Nexus terminal and typed out a message for anyone to read.

The cylons are on New Caprica.

Only then did she cry.

Comments

[chiron-survivor.livejournal.com]

Adia knows what guardian angels are because she has learned a little bit about Christianity. She does not have the heart to tell Victor that they don't have such a thing on her world. But her words are comforting in that they give some grounding to her own confused thoughts. "That's probably the best thing I can do... I just don't like even having any hope, you know? Not so much because I shouldn't hope, but..."

Tears prick the corners of her eyes but she perseveres, words coming out in a tumble. "It was so awful when he died, so awful and even worse to find out he was a cylon, but I managed to move on, and now all of a sudden, he's alive again, and it's-- I had to deal with all these emotions and he just starts over." She grimaces and looks down. "And despite all that I still want to see him again. What is wrong with me."

[victormakesart.livejournal.com]

"Nothing's wrong with you. The way you're feeling is natural, it... when I died, the only thing thst got me through it when I came back was pretending to be okay for the sake of my family." She links her fingers together, leans forward, elbows on her knees. "There's no handbook on how to feel in situations like this. It just feels terrible, all around, from both sides of it. He might think he's doing you a kindness by staying away. He feels betrayed, but by himself, and that's the worst kind of betrayal."

[chiron-survivor.livejournal.com]

She had forgotten about that, that Victor had died, too. And here Victor was, alive and well, and she clearly didn't think it was a walk in the park to deal with. "I... I hadn't thought of that." She just assumed Caspar shrugged off his humanity when he downloaded into a new body, but she didn't know how that process worked. Maybe it was painful. Maybe he really did feel just the way Victor described.

"I just wish I could feel one way or the other. Just... feel sorry for him and take his hand, like I used to, or hate him for what he did. For what he's doing." She wipes at her eyes. "And the best part is that there are many copies of each human-looking model, so I keep seeing him, but it's not him."

[victormakesart.livejournal.com]

She winces, fingers carding through her hair, catching through tangles, because Victor's hair is untamable. "I've had nightmares like that. It's really normal for feelings to be confused, and seein' him everywhere doesn't help. And it's easier said than done to compartmentalize, especially when they all look the same. And you can be sad and sympathetic and still hate him a little bit, and that's okay, to let the feelings sort themselves out."

[chiron-survivor.livejournal.com]

Adia exhales -- sharply at first, then slow and steady, as if finally getting her bearings. "I just don't know how I'm going to deal with all this. Seeing him everywhere, I mean. But at least you get it. Nobody else I know understands... I mean, maybe my friend Maggie and some of the other people who knew Caspar from before. But even Maggie would say, 'Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.'" She laughs softly, sad but a little mirthful. "She's say that even if he were just an ex-boyfriend and not a cylon. So."

[victormakesart.livejournal.com]

"I know it's hard. I really, really do. But I hope it'll get easier, with time. I don't know if it will, so I'm not gonna give you hollow platitudes, but there's a bright side. At least he's alive. He's alive, gaining new experiences, learning new things, having beauty in his life. And you know they're not all bad. It's a small comfort, but I hope it'll be enough of a comfort to help."

[chiron-survivor.livejournal.com]

It is a comfort, in some ways, to know that Caspar is getting a second chance, but a chance to do what? Slaughter humans? Subjugate them? "I just hope he's one of the good ones." She smiles weakly, but the turmoil is obvious in her eyes. "He... it wasn't good, how he died, but at least he hadn't taken anyone with him. Unlike his... clone, I guess. Another one of the same model."

[victormakesart.livejournal.com]

"...oh, gosh," she murmurs, hand sweeping her hair back, fingers gone a tad trembly, she can't imagine how hard it must have been to see him kill others. "The fact that he... that he killed himself rather than be a cylon, the fact that he'd rather die than do what he was scared that they'd do, I think that speaks to him bein' on the good side. I mean, suicide is a crummy option, always, but I think he showed you where he stands."

[chiron-survivor.livejournal.com]

"He was very scared," Adia agrees, gaze dropping, trying to will some unsavory images from her mind. "But he was scared of what the military would do to him, too. I think." She sighs heavily then and curses to herself, very softly. "I don't really know. But he didn't know he'd come back to life, so it was a very real sacrifice, whatever the reason."

Her expression hardens slightly and she adds, "His clone wasn't implanted with false memories. He knew he was a cylon when he blew himself up and part of Galactica. So I guess I knew he was going to get a new body, too."

[victormakesart.livejournal.com]

"That's horrible," she says, voice a quiet mumble, face puckered into a frown as she thinks about this. "Sounds like he's a pretty good guy. Not the explody one. The other one. I think it's natural to kinda hate him, and to be angry, and to have resentment. I think that'll just take time."

[chiron-survivor.livejournal.com]

Adia laughs weakly, but at least it's genuine this time. "I guess I should be glad the one I knew was the non-explody one. It's tempting to compare them. I mean... they're the same model. But they're still individuals."

[victormakesart.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. They're different people," she says, curving her fingers loosely around her worn oar.