Spring socializing. ((Open to anyone.))

[chiron_survivor]

It has been a long winter, made longer by the fact that Adia could not reach any of her friends in the Nexus. When spring arrives and her PINpoint starts working again, she wastes little time in sending out a message.

Hello! This is Adia. Caspar and I were locked out of the Nexus until now. Please reply if you get this message and let me know how you're doing and if there's anything I can get you?

In the interest of efficiency, she sends it as a blind carbon copy to most of her Contact List.

((Feel free to tag once, play out a thread, or handwave your muse's reponse. Also, if you want me to know specifically that Adia can't/won't get a message, feel free to share. :) ))

Comments

[coldsong]

"Without knowing your gods," Loki says, "I could not say for sure, but sometimes what a divine being can and cannot do is based on what their worshipers expect of them. Belief is self-perpetuating, that way."

"In the old days," he murmurs, "I would send dreams of hard truths to those in power, who needed to know better. And I would send the most beautiful lies to my followers who needed solace. Dreams of a better world."

He shakes himself. "Of late, yes, I prefer narratives like you suggest, though. An amusement for me, a harmless annoyance for the receiver of the dream."

"You should write them down," he tells her. "Your dreams. In as much detail as you can recall, in the morning. And reread them when you can. You may find nuance or details you forgot returning to you."

[chiron_survivor]

His words harken back to their earlier conversation about gods, and she nods pensively, taking in what he says. She'll have to keep that in mind when she's back on Atlantis. At least she has the peace of mind to do so now. Prayer to the gods is no longer a frantic thing.

"Hard truths," she repeats quietly. It makes her think of Gaius Baltar and his cursed time as president of the Fleet. "I can think of a few people who could have used dreams like that. Or at least the forgetting the pants one."

"That's a good idea. I, um... used to do that, actually, years ago. But during the war, my dreams were... dark. Nightmares, really. And even the good dreams were bad because I'd wake up and realize that they weren't true. So I didn't write them down because I wanted to forget them as fast as possible..." She looks away, as if embarrassed, and clears her throat. "But, yeah, that's something I should do now. It'll help."

She takes the last bite of cake, since Loki seems to have had his fill. When she's done, she looks up at him again and smiles shyly. "Thanks for the advice. I missed talking to you."

[coldsong]

"That's the trouble with having the power of retribution," Loki tells her mildly. "There are so many people to use it on. More than there are stars in the sky. Were I ever to become a spirit of justice or vengeance, all my time would be taken up with it."

This is why he's a Trickster, instead. It's peripherally related, in a way, involving just desserts. But there's a lot more space to be mercurial and pursue other ends.

"I'm sorry you suffered so," he says quietly. "War is a nightmare in itself."

He doesn't ask, because he doesn't especially want to know, what it was about, or what it was like. Really, all you have to know is that there was a war to assume immense suffering.

His gaze softens, although there is uncertainty in it, too. "There is a risk, you know, when immortal and mortal folk attempt a friendship. But I am selfish and reckless, and I will continue to talk to you whenever the opportunity arises."

[chiron_survivor]

"Our pantheon saves that for the afterlife," she says, feeling a little awkward for sharing even that. Bad dreams are one thing, but she really doesn't wish for anyone to be punished so harshly for their crimes that they can't someday learn from their mistakes and become a better person for it.

Which is why his sympathetic words are especially comforting. "It was pretty bad," she agrees. "Sometimes I still have nightmares about it. But not many." A smile peeks out and she adds, "If it's not dreams about the moon, then I'm back in high school and have an exam that I didn't study for. I think I'm doomed to have those for the rest of my life, and I can't blame a deity for them. Only higher education."

That smile fade a notch when Loki expresses the risk in their friendship. "I know," she replies, voice heavy with regret, her own expression uncertain. "Loki... I hope this isn't obnoxious to ask, but... if I say or do something that upsets or offends you, will you tell me? I would never do so intentionally, but this whole... talking to gods thing is... well, I don't want to make things worse in my ignorance, you know?"

[coldsong]

"I'm a poor choice to talk about the afterlife. This seems to be what passes for mine." He shrugs.

Her talk of high school nightmares puts a smile back on his face, and he gives a little laugh. "I missed out on that traumatic form of education. I have private tutors, and then my mother was my primary magic teacher. Odin taught me a few things, as well."

He's quiet for a moment after her request, staring into the dregs of his coffee. "Well, it's not obnoxious to ask," he says.

"I can try. But it's hard to articulate sometimes, in words a mortal person might understand. I don't mean that to sound condescending. I am certainly the type of god whose experience is as close to that of a human as is possible for the divine. I am bound to time, I feel pain and weariness, and some day I will die and not be able to escape from it. I'm not sure how I could explain what a prayer feels like, or how it is to watch a shaman throw herself through the veil trying to reach you...or to have half-human children, watch them grow and age and die and carry on your line on the Earth for generations, and fear they are cursed because they bear your blood. Or what it is like to have an essence, a self, that is truly unable to be purity and light and uprightness, because that position is taken and darkness and trickery must exist to balance it."

"You must understand, I cannot be a 'better person'. I can only be a better Loki. Which is something I am trying very hard to be, but at my best, I am no less the god of lies, and mischief, and wild wind and ice and flame."

"I have done terrible things. Many of them were coerced, through torture, through mind control; others were the result of a shock that I am still fighting to recover from. But some I have done deliberately, and might even do again."

"I am not seeking forgiveness. The things I have done that were not of my own volition, I will not accept mercy for, because they were not my actions. Those that were done of my own free will I cannot accept forgiveness for, because to do so would be to betray that core of my being, that self that is mischief and lies."

"For that same reason, compassion is difficult for me to accept. I do not wish people to pity me for being what I am. I only want my pain to be understood, and my part in the universe accepted."

He takes a breath. "And that is difficult for people--not just humans--of good will. Like yourself, like Captain Rogers, like dear Sif, like many others I have known. Even Thor."

"So. I will try to explain, when I can. I have tried before and found my words inadequate, many times over, and sometimes it exhausts me. But because you ask me in good faith, and because I do have fondness for you, I will continue to try."

[chiron_survivor]

It's tempting to reassure him that as far as afterlives go, this is pretty good, but that would be jinxing things, wouldn't it? At least she gets a little laugh out of him with her joke about dreams. It's nice to be able to find humor in such things again. "Consider yourself lucky, then. High school is a very specific kind of Tartarus, I'm glad I only have to go back in my dreams."

And then, when the subject turns serious, she sits still and listens to all he has to say. It's a relief to know that she wasn't rude to ask, although the answer is far more complicated than she anticipated. As he speaks of being close to the human experience, and yet so fundamentally different, she nods a little in understanding. This is why it's easier, in a way, to be in the presence of gods who are entirely inhuman. Loki is close enough to what she is familiar with, that it's easy to forget the parts that are wholly divine.

It is also no surprise that he would reject compassion, in light of his explanation. He's right, that's a tough thing for her to wrap her head around, although it's interesting that even Thor has the same problem.

When he tells her that he is fond of her, she blushes automatically, flattered by his graciousness, but doesn't stop thinking about his words. She finishes her coffee, giving herself a few more seconds to ponder them.

"Thank you," she begins. "For trying. I know that puts you in the position of having to explain yourself yet again, but I think I have a better idea now of where I might trip up, anyway, so I'll be more careful, too."

Her gaze slides over to the street, where many other Nexus-goers are out and about, enjoying the mild weather. "When I first came to the Nexus, I befriended a... a spirit. He was very kind to me. My closest friend here, in many ways. And then... well. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was something I did, maybe it was something I didn't do. But he stopped speaking to me, and... well, I knew our friendship wouldn't last forever, but it hurt a great deal that I didn't even get a chance to find out why he turned his back to me."

She looks up at Loki tentatively. "I don't want that to happen with you, too. If I mess up, I want at least a fighting chance to make things right."

[coldsong]

He spares a moment to consider the possibility of shapeshifting and trying a high school or college himself, some day. Not for a whole term, probably. Just a taste. It could be fun.

The discussion at hand is more important, though. He lets out a little sigh when he wraps up, and stays quiet for her response.

"I do not reject compassion entirely," he says, to clarify. "It's just difficult. And compassion without understanding often rings hollow. Perhaps it should not. We do not have to know how it feels to fly to feel grief for a bird with a broken wing. But past experience can make a person...overly defensive."

He listens to her story about befriending a spirit, and does not have to guess who she means. "Reynard." He says, with no question in his voice. Context tells him quite a bit, and he hasn't forgotten her reaction to the name back during Yule.

"I could tell you what he told me of humans in general, over the Winter, but I do not know what goes on in his head. I like him, and I distrust him. It would do all three of us a disservice for me to try and guess what happened there. But while our natures overlap, and we have some opinions in common, I assure you I am very much not Reynard."

[chiron_survivor]

"There's a difference between empathy and sympathy," she agrees. "Although you might be surprised at who you have something in common with around here." She's thinking of Thor as an example, how both she and the deity have lived through an apocalypse, but then it dawns on her that she has that in common with Loki as well. She doesn't comment, though. Maybe it's something they can talk about another time, if he feels like it.

She nods morosely when he says the spirit's name, then pales and tugs at her windbreaker uneasily, pulling it tighter around her. "I'd never ask you to get involved," she says sincerely. "Honestly, I... I think if there was a point he and I could talk about it, we're beyond that."

Besides, the very thought gives her middle school flashbacks. There's hurt in her down-turned gaze as she thinks about her former friendship, disappointment and grief and even a touch of outrage, but she blinks all that way, refocusing on Loki with clear eyes. "Thanks for saying so," she says, smiling a little. "I'll try not to get hung up what happened before."

[coldsong]

"Not even empathy," he says quietly, as if musing to himself, "though that would be welcome. Just...a little time taken to understand why I might have done something, rather than making uncharitable assumptions."

"I do things other than trick and lie and manipulate. People forget that. I suppose I make it hard to remember."

He studies her expression with a kind of regret, and shakes his head. "If you'd like to talk about it some time...but not today, I think."

"Next time we talk, I should probably buy the coffee," he adds after a moment's thought. "Though you might well be a married woman by that time. I hope you and Caspar will be well."

He could say a prayer to Frigga on their behalf. Even if his own mother will neither hear nor be able to respond, some version of her still might. Then again, some versions of Frigga have a very good reason to give him the cold shoulder.

Perhaps he'll just keep his fingers crossed for them.

[chiron_survivor]

Adia thinks about the first time she talked to Loki, how anxious he made her with his sharp smile and prodding words. She looks at the space between them, the plate that once held a shared slice of cake. "You've done plenty to show me that you do more than lie and manipulate. And tricks can be a good thing. Like a ribbon that keeps people from wondering why a giant eagle is always hanging around me."

It's not like she doesn't already try to take the time to understand the motivations of others. Which is why it hurts so much with Reynard, because he has her flummoxed. Enough time has passed that she's able to push off those emotions, and she returns his words with a small smile. "No, not today. But thank you."

His offer to buy coffee next time is touching, although when he brings up her impeding marriage, she laughs a little. "Married or not, you can still buy me coffee. I mean, um, only if you want to. I can afford it." She pauses and adds, "You wouldn't believe what agate goes for around here."

Anyway, that's likely her cue to get going. She gathers up her empty crockery, glancing at Loki's cup to see if he's done and wants her to take it, too. "Thanks, Loki. I hope you'll be well, too."

Can one pray to a deity for another deity's sake? She doesn't know, but maybe in addition to lighting a candle for him later, she'll say a prayer to the Lords of Kobol, too. In case someone up there is listening.