chiron_survivor | Getting back in touch. ((for rogueinladysclothing))

Amelia's avoided mentioning that she was in the Nightmare for just that reason. She doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to even think about it. It's terrifying, what happened to her. That her family didn't know her. That all she knew how to do was run. That she doesn't know how long she was there, how many others were there, and honestly doesn't care. True, she cares about Adia and she thinks it's awful that her friend was dragged into all of that, but everyone else? Including the men she left behind when she led worgen Jim away as a distraction? Fuck them. She can't care.

She nods a little, trying to pull her thoughts back to the moment. Her gaze falls down to the books she has set aside as she shuffles them restlessly. "I know. You always are, and I appreciate that."

But she's not talking about this. Just... no.

It's too much. It's all too much.

Talk of Caspar is nice and distracting, though, and Amelia latches onto it without hesitation. "I'll give him a chance, I promise. I intended to from the start. I still... always plan for the worst, though." The Queen of Bad Timing and Decisions kind of has to if she wants to survive her own mistakes. She crosses her arms in front of her chest, frowning at the books she still hasn't looked up from. "I'm sorry if that upsets you."

It's enough that Amelia at least acknowledges that Adia is here for her, although it doesn't completely ease the look of concern on the microbiologist's face. How she wishes that there was something she could say that would magically erase her friend's pain, somehow unwind the damage caused on that terrible night. Because she knows that Amelia won't talk about it. Won't find a way to share that burden, either with her or another confidant.

All she can do is be present for her friend. She can't help carry the burden, but she can be there when Amelia stumbles under its weight.

Her smile returns when Amelia tells her that she's willing to give Caspar a chance. "Thank you." Her gratitude is followed by a soft giggle. "No, it doesn't upset me, although you'll have to wait in line behind my friend Maggie if he screws up somehow. Hopefully you'll get to meet him soon; I told him about the Nexus, and I got him a PINpoint a little earlier."

Edited 2017-12-05 18:55 (UTC)

She doesn't want to feel it. She doesn't want it to be real. If she can ignore it, then it was just a dream. It's something she can tell herself wasn't real and lie to herself about until the lies become reality.

So what if some dream people didn't know her? So what if she feels the need to see people she doesn't care about every day just to be acknowledged? Everyone wants to be seen and remembered, even if they won't admit it; Even if they're not like Amelia, with a world full of people tucked far away from her and probably forgetting her as her thoughts start to devolve into a mess again.

Dreams, why is she so weak against this? She takes a breath and wipes at her eyes with one hand, subtly trying to breathe through some of the heavier emotions that try and peek through. It's painfully obvious anyway.

"If he does something while he's here in the Nexus can I have the first swing?" she asks, trying her best to sound teasing again. "Your friend Maggie can finish him off after I take a turn, since we haven't known each other very long and she actually knows Caspar." That's a fair deal, right? Amelia thinks it is, and would think the same even if she were in full control.

Watching Amelia struggle with those heavy emotions twists at her heart. She can't sit back and do nothing. Reaching into her messenger bag, she rustles around until she finds what she's looking for -- a foil-wrapped chocolate in the shape of a coin. Harrowheart had given it to her at the Halloween party for telling a silly joke, and she was saving it for a special occasion.

Well, this is as special as any.

"It's chocolate," she tells Amelia, offering it to her with a smile.

She giggles again at Amelia's proposition, although she makes a note not to mention this conversation to Caspar later. "Sounds fair." It is nice to know that Amelia has her back, should something go wrong. She smooths her hands over the sleeves of her coat and smiles softly. "I took him to the Shopping District... it seemed the least intimidating. I let him get me this."

She blinks when the chocolate comes into view. It's... for her? Slowly, she looks up at Adia, shock etched into her face. Gifts are rare for her. And gifts like this, when she really needs them? She can count on one hand the number of times that's happened. Part of her wants to reject the gift but... that's rude, isn't it? Adia means it to be something to make her feel better, and she can't turn that sort of thing down.

Carefully, she reaches out and takes the small chocolate, holding it on her open palm and just staring at it for a moment. This is real, right? This is happening? It doesn't feel possible.

"Thank you," she murmurs, swallowing hard. A breath, and she slowly draws her hand back to her chest. "I don't know what to say to something like this." What could she say that wouldn't sound crass or make her cry right now anyway?

Amelia always has Adia's back. Since that first day they met she's been on the other woman's side and the rogue will fight for her without question. It's simply Amelia's way of showing that she cares, even if it only makes sense in her mind.

"Let him buy you the coat?" Her lips twitch into a smile, but it doesn't last long. "Was he trying to buy his way back into your good graces? Or did he have some ulterior motive for buying you everything your heart desired?"

Edited 2017-12-06 06:17 (UTC)

"'Thank you' works," she replies, her smile tempered by the concern in her eyes. How little kindness have others spared this woman, that a chocolate coin is enough to send her into shock? Is this why the Nightmare has her so closed off, so fragile? The people who loved her most are forever out of her life, but Adia makes a silent vow to fill that gap as best she can.

Her gaze drops to the way Amelia holds the coin close to her chest. "When was the last time you've eaten?" she asks curiously. "Do you want me to get something? Or we can go together."

The way Amelia phrases her question makes her smile falter. So suspicious, even if Amelia is still attempting to tease her. "He wants to spoil me," she says with a soft shrug. "And he likes to shop for clothes, but his taste isn't the most practical for the life we live now. I did need a new coat, though." She thinks that Caspar would appreciate Amelia's tailor, but she isn't about to ask for a recommendation. He needs to earn her friend's trust first.

Edited 2017-12-06 14:15 (UTC)

It's hard to receive comfort and kindness when you don't put yourself out into the world, and Amelia excels at hiding. Other friends show her kindness through words, but that's not the same as a gift like what Adia offers now. In a state like this, all she wants is to be seen and heard, but that's not what she needs. It's a hard thing to ask for what you need when you don't know what that is, though.

"Please don't leave." She gasps at how quickly those words fell from her lips, how harsh and needy they sound. Her eyes fall to the chocolate in her hands, and she slowly begins to unwrap it to give herself something to to do. "I had breakfast." Almost 8 hours ago, and it was only a piece of toast, an apple, and a cup of coffee, but it still counts. She hasn't felt hungry since then, so there's been no need to eat. "But we can go somewhere if you want. My treat." In return for the kindness that she's getting now.

"Being spoiled isn't a bad thing," she notes, nibbling at her chocolate. She's sure it's at least decent chocolate, but it's tasteless in her mouth against the pain she feels. No wonder she doesn't want to eat anything; Why would she when everything's lost its flavor and appeal? "He probably wants to overcompensate, to make sure you know how much he loves you." Amelia would do the same thing, if she were in Caspar's position.

"I won't leave," she replies, as fast as she can without sounding panicked. What is going on with Amelia? This is clearly a different kind of suffering than what her friend was experiencing with Steve's loss. Not grief, then... fear, perhaps?

Well, it was a Nightmare...

Breakfast was a while ago, but before Adia can point that out, the rogue is offering take her out to lunch. And while Adia was hoping to pay for lunch -- she has money now -- she decides it's not worth wounding the rogue's pride in insisting that she pay. She'll have to find some other way to treat her.

And speaking of treating, Amelia's assessment of Caspar's spending urges is spot-on. And while it does make her smile, she looks a little pained, too. "I know... I wish he didn't feel like he has to do that. He shows me that he loves me in so many ways, I don't need new things on top of that." But, now that she's had her own attempt at spending money rebuffed, maybe she'll let him get her that new pair of boots. If it will make him feel better.

She exhales a shaky breath, trying to come back from the edge. "Thank you." It's all she can manage for a few moments as she breathes through the rush of adrenaline that came from thinking Adia was going to leave her alone. That her friend was going to turn away from her and forget her when she left. Part of her knows that won't happen, but it's far removed from the place the tiger is right now. She can't think clearly about much of anything, let alone something that would be perfectly obvious to a less terrified mind.

"Can we... go for pizza? There's a little place just off the Plaza. The food is good... and they know me there." They know her. She's been there so much they have to know her. They couldn't have forgotten ...right?

"He's probably scared-- that things will go wrong again," she adds quickly. She's not scared, what are you talking about? She's not scared at all. Nothing scares her. Nothing. "Or that other people won't think he's honest. People can be very distrusting sometimes." Sometimes when it matters most.

"No problem. I'll stay with you as long as I'm able." If she knew her friend's fear, she'd reassure her that she wouldn't forget her, either, but she can't read minds. All she can do is wait patiently while Amelia regains her composure.

The request for pizza is met with surprise. "Oh... um, sure!" She smiles -- tentatively, at first, then more easily. "Sure, I love pizza. I didn't know you liked it, too. Do you have a favorite topping?" She shifts the weight of her messenger bag to her back so she can gesture to Amelia's books and notes. "Want any help gathering that up?"

Her friend's assessment of Caspar sparks another small feeling of surprise. Not because she thinks Amelia is wrong -- quite the opposite, actually. "Yes, that's... I think that's the case, too."

Amelia really gets Caspar. Huh.

"I'll just have to keep showing him how much I love him in return," she says, her smile turning playful. "And remind him how far he's come."

"I like a lot of spices on mine." Not surprising, given she was raised to run her family's spice trading business. "Basil and oregano are the best, but I like some of the spiced sausages the place we're going has, too." And familiarity is something she needs right now. Familiarity from other people is best, but food is good, too.

She shakes her head, then quickly starts gathering up the various stacks of books and papers when Adia offers to help. "I'm fine." Why does she keep saying that? It's always a lie. Her hands shake a little as she goes for the pile farthest from Adia first, so she can try to slow the shaking. Between the lack of sleep, over-caffeination, and lack of food, though, that's not actually possible. Still, she's going to ignore the way her hands shake as she packs all of her books into her own messenger bag and then slings it across her body.

Without knowing him, Amelia knows Caspar because she thinks so much like him. They're going to be very good friends when they meet - or constantly at each other's throats. If they can agree on anything, though, it'll likely be the former.

"That seems a good course of action." It would help Amelia now, if she would own up to the way she feels. Unlikely that's going to happen, though. "I'm sure he'll appreciate it, even if it takes time to break through."

Taking a deep breath, the rogue slowly pushes herself to her feet, then offers a hand to Adia to help her friend up. "Ready to go?"

It must have been a while since Adia has had her breakfast, too, because she can feel her stomach grumble from the description. "Sounds delicious. I love basil and oregano, Have you tried pepperoni? It's my favorite, but I always end up so thirsty afterwards."

The pleasant talk of food does not entirely distract her from the way Amelia's hands shake, but she doesn't intervene, even as she wishes she could help with at least this little thing. She'll have to keep this fact in mind, though, that Amelia and Caspar might have more in common than she first thought. "It's no chore," she says with a soft laugh. "He's very, very good to me, Amelia."

And she's not referring to her new coat.

She takes Amelia's hand and gets up as well. "Yep," she says. "Lead the way."

Edited 2017-12-09 03:02 (UTC)

"I have, and it's also very delicious. Maybe pepperoni, basil, and oregano, then?" It certainly sounds very good, even if Amelia's not feeling particularly hungry due to the stress.

As Adia stands, Amelia hesitates to let the other woman's hand go. It takes longer than it normally would for her to pull back, and she quickly busies her hands by fidgeting with her gloves as they start on the path out of the garden. Even the brief moment of contact was comforting, but the rogue knows better than to hold onto it. If she holds on, then she's going to break down and that is not an option right now.

"I'm sure he is, given how you smile every time you say his name." She's not teasing like she normally would be. Despite her sullen mood and unhappy demeanor, Amelia's very glad to see her friend so content and loved. "Hold onto him as long as you can, Adia, and I'm sure he'll do the same for you."

"Sure," Adia says agreeably. She'd be fine with anything, really, but that sounds like something she'd especially like. "How'd you find this place?"

That hesitation does not go unnoticed. Adia would offer her hand all the way to the pizza shop, but she's certainly not going to push physical touch onto Amelia. Instead, she stays close but gives the rogue the personal space she needs as they head out of the garden.

Amelia's comment makes her blush and smile again. "We do a lot of holding on," she admits. "Literally. He hasn't changed in that regard, he's always been physically affectionate with me, even while he keeps others at a distance."

"Someone showed it to me in a another version of the Nexus. It's different than it once was, but they all knew me when I came back after the change." And that's definitely something she needs right now. "I don't go often, but the staff is friendly and the pizza very good."

That sounds very familiar to Amelia, too. It must be Adia that brings it out in people like them. "You don't seem to mind at all," she says, teasing ever so slightly. "But I think being close to the person you love is a good thing. People always seem happier when they get to express themselves in a way that makes both partners feel good." Not that she has any personal experience, but she's seen it plenty to have an idea.

It's not too far of a jaunt once they make it to the Plaza to the pizza parlor. The shopfront is on a corner of a building, with lots of windows and bright spaces inside. The booths are large and comfy, and the one the two of them are seated at is more secluded by the plants sitting across the back of it. It seems like it's Amelia's favorite, because the rogue doesn't even have to ask for it to get it.

When the waitress has wandered off after taking their drink order (offering Amelia's usual of a ginger ale before she can even ask for it), Amelia sinks deep into the booth with a sigh. Despite the warmth inside the restaurant, she keeps her cloak on and tucked around her as she settles in. As she removes her gloves, she looks over at Adia with a small smile. "Not too bad, right?" she asks.

"Another version? You've been to a different Nexus?" She bites her lip, as if nervous, but seems awfully curious, too. "You know, I... I had something similar happen to me, and I still can't figure out if a lot of time passed while I was gone, or if this place really is different somehow..."

She's not going to let that weigh heavily on her mind, not when Amelia is making her blush. But that secretive smile is not going anywhere. "No, I definitely do not mind. Caspar is very... considerate. He knows what I like, and when he doesn't, he asks." She tucks her hands in the pockets of her coat and adds, "That's half the fun, actually. When he asks."

The pizza parlor evokes a feeling of nostalgia from within her, as if there is some universal truth to its appearance. She orders a ginger ale, too, because it is just the thing to cut through the spicy saltiness of pepperoni. "This place is super cute," she tells Amelia, slipping out of her coat and folding it up beside her in the booth. Already she's thinking about taking Caspar here for a slice and a shared milkshake.

Edited 2017-12-10 13:58 (UTC)

"I think so? Most things are the same as before with subtle differences. The inn I live in still looks the same and all of my things were still there when everything changed, but it's run by a different family than it was before." Her lips draw into a thin line. "I don't know if that means it's a truly different Nexus or if there was simply a huge shift that many of us experienced all at once."

It seems a little odd that so many of them moved around at once, but as all of her friends moved with her, Amelia doesn't really mind. Her things were still there after she came back from her world for the last time and so were her friends. There's little more a rogue really needs in the multiverse.

Her smile warms a little as their waitress returns with their ginger ales and takes their pizza order. As the woman walks away, the rogue sits up a little and crosses her arms loosely in front of her chest. "I'm glad you like it. You can come back here anytime you'd like now, just like the garden." The difference being that there's delicious food here that the garden doesn't have available, and that's always a win.

"That's so strange..." And doesn't fit into any of her previous theories about why the Nexus changed so drastically in the three months she was away. But it sounds like the people haven't changed, only some of the details around them. That's a little easier to manage.

She'd much rather dwell on the subject of pizza. "Thanks," she says to Amelia with a warm smile. "I'd like to take Caspar here, if that's all right. And the garden, too? I want to show him everywhere that I've been in the Nexus. He appreciates quiet spaces, too."

"This place seems to be built on strange," she counters, huffing a small laugh. It feels out of place to laugh and smile, but Adia seems to have a power to draw it out of her. First when she was grieving for Steve, and now again when she's not well after the Nightmare. Is it a power of hers? It wouldn't surprise Amelia to find out that Adia did have some latent kind of power like that.

"Of course. You never have to ask. If I show you a place, please feel free to share it with anyone you'd like." Anything that's a secret in the Nexus gets out sooner or later, by the very nature of what this place is. Hiding a place anyone could stumble on when the Nexus shifts beneath their feet feels like a waste of time.

Hearing her friend laugh makes the last of the concern over an ever-changing Nexus melt away. "True enough," she agrees, with a small chuckle of her own. "At least the important things have stayed the same."

Adia would insist that there's nothing extraordinary about her, if she had any idea what Amelia is thinking. Instead, her mind is on the plans she's looking forward to making with her boyfriend. She smiles gratefully and takes a sip of her ginger ale. "I didn't want you to suddenly be surprised if you see him somewhere. So far, he's only been interested in the Shopping District." Her mouth twitches into more of a grin and she adds, "I'm going to ask him to spend some time in the Plaza. It'd be good for him to meet people who don't have a bias against Cylons."

"Yes, that was quite helpful." Until she hurt herself leaning on someone in a way that wasn't good for either of them. She sighs at the memory, but doesn't say anything more.

Adia's teasing earns a quirked eyebrow as she takes a sip of her ginger ale. "So I'll get to meet him soon?" That's an exciting prospect. Now that Caspar and Adia are back together, the rogue is eager to meet the man and size him up for herself. He has some amount of her trust already, because of what her friend has told her and the trust she has in him, but Amelia wants to be assured he deserves the rest of it herself. "I'd like that."

She notices the sigh, as she notices most mood shifts in others, in particular Amelia who paradoxically doesn't hide her emotions but seems unwilling to acknowledge them at the same time. Whatever memory briefly troubled her, Adia is not going to comment.

"Yes, absolutely." Perhaps she'll tell Caspar a little more about Amelia so that he knows what to expect (and can also be on his best behavior). "If you don't see him around, i'll try to set up something more formal. He's, um... not as big a fan of the Nexus as I am. He focuses far more on the threats than the positives." She shrugs. "I wasn't going to lie to him about what sometimes happens when the AV field fails or there's a curse, but I kind of wish I hadn't told him everything all at once."

"I'm sure I'll see him if he makes it to the Plaza." She spends more than enough time there these days. Anyone new or out of the ordinary is going to be very easy for her to spot. She also doesn't want Adia going out of her way for her. That never ends well for anyone, as she found out with Steve only a few weeks ago.

Before Amelia can comment on Caspar's tendencies to look for the worst in a situation, their pizza arrives. The waitress sets it up on a little stand between them and offers each woman a plate, silverware, and a refill on their ginger ale, before disappearing again. The rogue smiles the whole time and politely thanks the woman, but her smile is the very best of fakes. If the waitress notices, she doesn't comment, but the moment her back is turned, it falls from Amelia's face.

"I understand why he does that," she says softly, taking a piece of pizza onto her plate so that it can start to cool. "When you care for someone, you want to protect them above all else. Finding those things that can hurt them, so you can address them one by one, is the natural first step." One that Amelia's taken more times than she can count, even for people who didn't need that kind of protection.

"Great." She smiles and consciously tries not to concern herself with how that meeting will go. The arrival of the pizza is thankfully an excellent distraction, and she gives the waitress a genuine smile, thanking her as well before setting up her plate and silverware before helping herself to a slice. It's going to be a real effort to wait for it to cool enough so she can take a bite without burning the roof of her mouth.

Amelia's insight into Caspar's motivation is once again spot-on. "He's very proactive about things like that," she agrees. She carefully unfolds her napkin and adds quietly, "It's nice. Having him look out for me. I just don't want him to blame himself if something happens that he couldn't protect me from."

So many things she understand more from Caspar's perspective than Adia's. She huffs a small laugh as she pokes at her slice of pizza, testing to see if it's cool enough to eat before she responds.

"I don't think you can stop him from doing that. People like him--" Another huff of a laugh. "Like us will always find a reason to blame ourselves if something happens to those we love most. It doesn't matter how true it is or how far-fetched the idea is. We could be completely removed from the multiverse for that single moment in time when a loved one is hurt and it would still be our fault." She smiles ruefully as she opts for a sip of ginger ale while the pizza is still too hot. "It's in our nature, and it's not something we can, much less want to, change."

Getting back in touch. ((for rogueinladysclothing))

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